I make dumb choices. Who doesn’t. Seriously though, sometimes I know I’m making a dumb choice and I do it anyway. Who knows if I am lacking in self confidence, or want to be accepted, or am lonely, or am confused or whatever. Literally starting in the beginning of high school my dumb choices became a regular thing. You messed with my head so much. I know, I know, one day someone will come along that changes my life and views and blahdiblah. Who knows, maybe I say I don’t want a family because I don’t see myself with one. I focus so much on how I want a career, and I want success, because I don’t have success with that other aspect of my life. I honestly don’t even want to post this, because I hate people knowing when everything is churning inside of me. (This post is a serious stream of consciousness, with no order or structure, holy crap.) All my friends come to me for advice, and I dish it out like a pro. They tell me I always know the right things to say, they say I always have the perfect comeback, or the perfect reaction. But really, I’m not that strong. I’m so capable of putting on a show, because I’ve done it all my life. I hate when people complain about their families, and how shitty their lives are, and how much they fail at relationships, and how they have backstabbing friends. Okay, one, if you hate your family so much then leave them. See how well you do without them. Growing up in my household wasn’t always fun, and hasn’t been easy for a while. But, I have a sister who is important to me, who I’ve gotten pretty close with. And, even when our parents do crazy annoying, messed up things, I don’t tweet or put up statuses about them. They’ve given me more than anyone else has in my life, and while I don’t put them as my #1 priority, they for sure aren’t on my shit list if I plan on ever going home again. Two, your life is not shitty. I don’t have one friend who’s life is actually shitty. Like, you’re at college, or living with a roof over your head. You have friends, you have your health. Shut up, you don’t need money, nice stuff, a huge group of friends and a boyfriend/girlfriend to have a good life. Make the most of what you have, appreciate it. Three, if you are under the age of twenty, your relationship really doesn’t matter. I’ve learned and relearned that lesson so many times. You don’t suck at relationships, you just either have them too easily, or aren’t old enough to even understand yourself, not to mention how to share yourself with another person. Really, that’s what a relationship is. Out of everyone I know right now in a relationship, maybe, maybe, one of them will marry their significant other. Now, if you’re 30, and single, and have been screwed over, you still don’t suck at relationships, you suck at choosing men. EVERYONE sucks at relationships, because every single relationship is new and teaches you things. You can’t be good at it. Four, stop complaining about your friends. If they’re that bad, drop them. If you have to constantly change your group of friends, look at your criteria. Friendship is the one thing that should be easy. With my best friend, I don’t have to watch what I say. I can trust her with literally anything. If I ask something of her, she doesn’t hesitate. If I go the rest of my life with no one else that close to me, I’ll still consider myself lucky. Most people won’t have more than one friend like that, so be satisfied you have them. Don’t look to be accepted by everyone, and be everyone’s best friend. You just can’t. It’s too many people relying on you constantly, and getting offended if you don’t give them your time, and advice. I have a solid amount of friends, and then some other people who I would consider friends, but know won’t be in my life in a few years. But i’m ok with that. That’s why I don’t tell them my secrets, my desires, my life. Because they don’t need to know. (Wow I’m making no sense, just typing at a mile a minute and hoping I feel better.)
Now why am I in such a slump. Well, there’s the obvious reason. Boys. My first “love” I can’t seem to shake, ever. I don’t know if there will be a day where I’ve truly forgotten, but oh well. Maybe one day I will be able to make smarter choices where he is involved. God knows he is awful for me, and not the same person anymore that I wanted, or still do want. Then there is the boy who chose his ex. A common decision, but still leaves me bitter. And he has the balls, now that they’re broken up, to constantly contact me. He’s whiny and clingy, why do I continue to be his friend, even? I mean, he’s in Florida. No reason there. Then there was the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. The player. The man who owned the game, and juggled girls like it was his job. The one who told so many lies, to cover up more lies. Luckily, that one is out of my life for good, and I haven’t even seen him from afar. But then why did I keep his tee shirt? Then there’s this new guy. Much different from the guys I’ve been with in the past. More mature, in many ways. But I am almost setting myself up for failure with him. I’m latching on, which gives him the steering wheel, and I can only predict where he is going to go. I’ve already been disappointed, when I have no right to be. I get attached so damn quickly, though I pretend I don’t.
There’s my problem. I can’t let go. I’m one of those stereotypical girls who, even though they know it’s wrong, or bad, get some sort of sick pleasure out of being given attention. Whether negative, positive, or somewhere in the middle. I try and advise girls to stay away from the boys I’m attracted to because I know they’re the wrong choice. Always are. I’m embarrassed to sit here and type this. Because I know, deep down, I should stop. But I also know, deep down, that I won’t any time soon.
I’m an idiot. I probably contradicted myself 409930824 times in this stupid blog.
And if you read this whole thing, please don’t pity me. I’m happy, I am, I just have those emotional days like every girl does. Actually, in about 30 minutes, I’ll go to dinner with my friends, and they’ll put a huge smile on my face. No need to talk about the bad when I bring the bad upon myself. Also, if you read this whole thing, you need a life ;]